Today is Monday, the most dreaded day of the week. This morning I rolled out of bed shuffling my feet across the floor, annoyed that the girls wouldn’t just sleep for ten more minutes, however once I turned on the TV I was wide awake. Let me just back track a little bit over the past week before I get to the point I’m going to make here and if you’ll read along, I promise it will be worth it. The last two weeks have been sorry ass weeks for me, I mean really. I have been so very sick, then Monday found out that I have gallstones and have to have those removed. Tuesday I locked my keys in my car at soccer practice, or so I thought.
It was pretty comical actually.. Khloe hates soccer, like absolutely despises it. She has become quite the sideline ornament at practice and at her games. Anyways, after soccer was over, she jumped up and wanted to play (of course). With one kid on my hip, my diaper bag on one arm, her soccer bag on the other, and a blanket over my shoulder I had to drag Khloe to the car all while kicking her soccer ball that she refused to hold. I was flustered, to say the least. I went to grab my keys and they weren’t where they were supposed to be. I had to have torn my bag apart and back tracked my steps three times before the panic set in. I looked around, and instantly it was dark and I was the only one still there. I reached for my phone… dead.. of course. My phone is always dead, but at the most glorious of times it was really, really dead.
It was then in that moment that I started to cry. Here I am standing in the middle of the church parking lot crying, cursing, questioning God, begging for mercy, you name it. After a nice swift walk I was able to find a very nice lady who let me use her phone. I called gabe, “I locked my keys in my car.” He responded with, “What the f**k do you want me to do about it?” but in his defense he is about four hours from home and completely helpless, but naturally I got frustrated with him and told him, “I’ll figure it out like I always do.” CLICK. I called the only other person I could think of in that moment and he came to my rescue. I loaded my kids up in my lap and we drove home exactly that way due to said keys being locked in said car where both car seats resided.
Fast forward to Wednesday morning when the very nice toothless AAA man came to unlock my car and my keys were still no where to be found. It was then that I decided to take ONE MORE walk to the soccer field, and there they were.. staring at me from the grass right where I was sitting the night before. The tow truck drivers and anyone else who witnessed this ridiculousness laughed at me, hard. Again here I was begging for mercy, questioning God and cursing at myself for just being an absolute idiot. It was just the cherry on top of the entire situation. Thursday was just “one of those days” for me. I text Gabe in the late morning and told him how done I was and how much I needed a break.
I feel like the most terrible person for even feeling this way, but with Gabe being gone, I feel as though I have the entire weight of our world on my shoulders. I sent him a text that read, “I’m over he screaming, I’m over the tantrums, I’m over the diaper changing, the dishes, the piles and piles of laundry, I’m over being sick, and I’m over being so underneath water I cant breathe.” He responded with, “All of it is temporary. The diapers, the screaming, the fighting to sleep.. It is all going to come to an end. You’re going to get the medical care you need, the kids will grow up and we’ll be out of this funk. I realize you are doing this alone and I cant imagine what that’s like. There’s only so much you can control and the rest is a gamble. Is there anything I can do to help you?”
What am I even thinking? What the hell is wrong with me? My husband is four hours from home working his butt off so that we can sustain the life we live, only gets to see his babies 8 days a month and here I am complaining because I see too much of them. I’m complaining about being too involved in our kids while he lives out of a shoe box and sometimes goes weeks without eating a home cooked meal. He misses soccer games, birthdays, anniversaries, class parties and anything else you can think of and here I am being the most selfish disgusting version of myself. I re-read his text and those words that described our kids growing up and not needing me anymore, and I sobered up from my pity party right quick. These little girls need me, not anyone else. I am their entire world wrapped up in one selfish ridiculous me. Humbled, that’s all I have to say, instantly humbled.
Let’s talk about what made me really snap out of this ridiculousness of mine. Late Friday morning as I’m scrolling Facebook I come across a post from a very dear family friend of ours. She is a hoot guys, I mean she can make you laugh till your belly hurts with her hilarious descriptive posts about her little girl and their every day shenanigans. Just recently she was diagnosed with cancer and has been going through treatment to kick its butt, and I believe she will. As I’m scrolling I started to read her post where she politely asked people to not mock cancer patients. She has to wear a scarf around her head to feel comfortable enough to leave the house and sick men and women are mocking her and calling her names like Auntt Jemima, a gypsy, a pirate etc. Here I am humbled again to the core because I am complaining about this gallbladder that isn’t even a crucial organ, while this woman, the most undeserving woman might I add, fights for her life and loses her hair, among many other things, and here people are mocking her. Not to mention last night when I posted about being in pain from my tummy, she commented telling me how important it was for me to take care of myself. Touché Jen, touché.
I loaded my girls and my best friend up to hit my families hometown fair in Caruthers, California later Friday evening and decided I was going to turn my attitude around. Let me just mention that my bad luck streak still hadn’t come to an end as I stopped at the gas station and dumped an entire 32 ounce soda on the counter and the poor guy ringing me up. Not only that, but as we took Spencer out of her car seat, we realized she exploded which then ended up all over the front of my nice white shirt. With a new outlook on my series of unfortunate events, I took both of these in stride and we had the best time at the fair. I got to spend some much needed one on one time with Khloe while Spencer hung out with Auntie Maddi.
I have been much more in touch with my faith lately and I knew that A. God was testing me or B. The devil was trying to pull me back away from Him. For the past two weeks I have constantly been asking why. Why can’t anything go right? Why can’t I just get my shit together? WHY? Well along with all the other things mentioned above, I woke up this morning and heard about the tragedy that occurred last night in Vegas. Even the mention of this tragic event sends a stiff chill down my spine and sickens me to the core. Dozens of men and women lost their lives because of a sick and cruel human and hundreds of people have been injured. Mothers and fathers will bury their sons and daughters, and children will bury their mothers and fathers.
My “why me” attitude has been completely turned around to just a simple “why?” Why would one person think it would be their duty to kill? We have countless men and women fighting for our freedom, taking bullets for us, giving their lives for US. There are thousands and thousands of children circling through the foster care system without anyone who cares enough to call them by their right name, there are men and women fighting diseases that no man or medicine can seem to cure, there are men and women being sexually, physically and mentally abused as I type and here I am being selfish because my stomach hurts and I lost my keys. This has been a very, very humbling experience for me and a learning lesson for sure.
To conclude this long post, I have finally found my why. God has been testing me, and I may have pulled away from Him for a second but now more than ever I am leaning on Him for not only myself, but for everyone. For those men, women and children mentioned above. This week I am going to have a new outlook on this life I live, I am going to get my life together, my laundry and dishes done because I can. Because right now, that is a luxury that I get simply because I am alive and well. This week, I am going to pay it forward.. I haven’t figured out exactly how just yet, so if you have any ideas I would love to hear them. Just know that if you are having a rough time like myself, it could be so much worse and we are so lucky. Humbled is truly how I feel this morning.