My pregnancy is coming to a very abrupt end and so much change is taking place in our neck of the woods. I am in full blown baby mode getting the house and nursery all ready to go for her arrival. Although I haven’t really shared this out loud yet, my first born baby has been heavy on my mind lately (okay I’m already crying, thanks hormones.)
Anyone who has been blessed to meet Khloe knows that she is a very special girl with quirks that just make her her. She is kind and compassionate, nurturing and intentional. She possesses a spunk that makes her Khloe, she knows what she wants and how she wants it and she doesn’t hardly take no for an answer. She has formed into this beautiful little girl that is growing so rapidly my mind just cant fathom where the time has gone.
Every single day, she reminds me of how big she is. She doesn’t need me to wipe her butt, she prefers a shower over a bath, puts her shoes on the right feet, sticks her own straw in her juice box, buckles her own carseat, writes her name and against my better judgement knows that without a doubt, her favorite color is purple. All of these things don’t mean much on their own, but put them together and they mold her into the young lady she is becoming.
From the moment she laid eyes on Spencer, she has been the best big sister I could have ever hoped and imagined she would be. She is so very excited for her new baby sister to come earth side, but my heart is hurting over the changes she is being forced to make and honestly, how well she is adapting to them. And maybe that is the mom guilt, or hormones, but whatever it may be I constantly worry about her feeling less than, replaced or anything of the sorts. She is having to share every part of her life all over again with a new tiny human. And maybe she’s just got this big sister thing mastered, but it hasn’t bothered her one bit, which shows me just how much she truly is maturing. She has filled her role as big sister with so much grace and its something she really prides herself in.
I know she probably doesn’t remember much of the days of just her and I but let me tell you, I remember every single second of them. The smells, the feels, sleepless nights and the naps I got to take while she was napping. The way she made me feel as a first time mom, the way she changed me, she changed us. I will always remember these things, as they are so heavily imprinted on my heart. I wish she remembered them like I do because they were so magical and so important to me and if I am being honest, probably some of the most important years of my life. She made me a mother, and nothing else in the world can compare to that. I wish I could rewind or pause or just relive the days again because my heart truly longs for them.
With my second pregnancy, which I think most women can agree, my worry was “how can I love another being like I love her,” and that feeling was diminished the second I laid eyes on Spencer. My worries now are how I am going to divide myself evenly without taking away from her. I already have one tiny human that still depends on me so heavily and takes up so much of my attention, how is there going to be enough of me to go around with a newborn added to the bunch? I know I will find my normal and I will adjust but right now, those hormones I mentioned are real.
I know what is to come is so beautiful and I am so ready to meet our baby girl in just three weeks from today. I cant believe this pregnancy has come and gone so quickly and so easily (thank goodness). This morning while drinking my coffee and thinking about my baby, I traveled down the rabbit hole and looked through photos of our first two and a half years together. I cried, I laughed and I shared stories from those days with her. She thought we were just looking at pictures, but to me it was so much more than that. Gosh she is such a beautiful soul my heart just cant handle it. I love you Khloe Louise, more than you could ever begin to comprehend.